By

Dr. Sherman N. Miller

4/7/2010

If 42 percent of African American females may never marry, I wondered if some yesteryear teachings got lost when black women morphed into today’s divas.

My wife was well mannered and carried herself with great poise. Gwynelle enchanted me with the belief that she was truly interested in my wellbeing. My wife asked for nothing material for she had a low maintenance persona that called out for love.  We quickly accepted that all assets of the family are community property that included educational attainment, so we never use material wealth brought into the house as a gauge of one’s family stature.

I was proud to walk down the street because Gwynelle was a very intelligent prude. It was obvious that promiscuity was not in her history suggesting that no fellows were recounting past affairs with her as we walked by.  Her chastity was a great gift from this virtuous woman. 

When I take a holistic look at our early relationship I conclude that she is what I call an “Easy Love.” Although marriage is daily hard work, I find it takes minimal effort to love Gwynelle. I will often tell her that she is an easy love when we chat about the trepidations of other people in the midst of a crisis. Yet I often wondered where she learned what might be termed an antebellum modus operandi.

Gwynelle said in Alabama during her youth in the 1940s and 1950s that the public schools taught home economics that included etiquette. Emily Post was the guide in teaching girls the proper mannerisms to be acceptable in the economic mainstream. However, Gwynelle says she learned nothing new in school because etiquette was the norm in her home.

Gwynelle’s training had taught her how to have tremendous power in her family without breeding insecurity. When I think about it Gwynelle makes about 90 percent of the day to day decisions. I get involved in decisions where she has some apprehension or they are big ticket items. I tell the young person that at a puppet show folks are looking at the puppet but Gwynelle, as the puppet master, is the real power.

A holistic look at marriage from Gwynelle siblings’ point of view, six of seven sisters got married, one divorced, and there is roughly 40 years marital tenure for 5 married sisters. Three brothers married with one divorced and 35 year plus marital tenure for now married brothers.  

It is evident that Gwynelle’s late mother Mrs. Lucille Wilder taught her daughters how to make a man want to marry them. We might want to call her techniques old fashion but her success rate is excellent – not in just landing a husband but having a long tenured marriage where three of her married sisters are grandparents today. All of her three brothers learned how to commit to a woman and two are also grandparents today.

We need the marital researchers to tell us, “Is there a Point of Diminishing Returns going from yesterday’s antebellum mindset to today’s African American diva that is a marital death knell once crossed?” Perhaps there is a marital inflection point that is a taboo no matter how financially independent one becomes. I know I am a rare bird as an African American male with a doctoral degree, but Gwynelle knows how to manage our marriage well enough that I very seldom think of my unique status.

Just when I thought etiquette was a relic of a bygone epoch I chatted with two Oriental ladies. First is Jungmi Oh, an assistant professor at Delaware State University, and the second is Qin Liang, a waitress at the King Buffet restaurant in Dover, DE.

Professor Oh is replete with a PhD who radiates wisdom cloaked under humility. Chatting with Professor Oh reminds me of Gwynelle’s quality of being highly intelligent without a need to flaunt it. She says she is married, so I feel if she is not already that she will become an excellent puppet master one day.

I watched Liang serving a fellow, dressed like a gangbanger, who came in carrying a child with two women. One woman had a black eye and they both appeared to have little poise. The group finished eating then they proceeded to leave before Liang had given them their check. When Liang approached them with the check, the group immediately started into her with a gangbanger attitude. Liang used her great poise to calm the situation.

I asked Liang, “Did the restaurant teach you how to handle crises?” She said her training came with her upbringing in China. 

These two Asian ladies showed that etiquette is not a lost art suggesting that poise may help a young lady to morph into the coveted puppet master. Yet I wonder what happens to these Asian ladies if they refuse to undergo a modern American female acculturation? Will these Asian women get shunned if they refuse to undergo a diva metamorphosis?  

On the other hand, is female etiquette a key element in enthralling a man into committing to marriage? Is finding today’s prude like finding a 20 Karat diamond?